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i likke be the drunk when thar is sunshiney on my armpit

19th Mar, 2009

things seem good, then go bad
fuuuuuuck offfff

worst month of the year so far
i need out
things that annoy the mardtyrsaur so far:
- hausmember stealing music from my computer and talk like they know all about them to hausguests when theyve not even HEARD "madonna" yet. and copying my fingerless glove wearing. dont only junkys/grungerzz wear them??
- LOVEFILM.com taking ages to send games for me to copy and send back. free months subscription is over, now i have to pay for shit.
- liking people. tbe so much easier to hate everyone again. i miss 1995-98.
- threats of jail/hourly buttfucking disturbing me from completing my threats.
- scrooges/not stooges.
- haus people being ill when i'm not. a first!
- timetravel.
- being pulled aside/taken to basement on nye to be asked if i have any h.
- kevin not being a melvin anymore/big business ruinings.
- the efforts/disappointments that follows trying to arrange gigs.
- wanting a tattoo but being unable to draw it but twould be pointless as he said hed make his own version of it anyway.
- forgetting to write suicide notes and being too unpleased with previous ones to bother.
- cay being dead. rediscovered my "sessions" tape in london and listening to it again makes my heart burn.
- losing my ps1 memory card. WANTO PLAY FINALFANTASY7 AGAIN!
- i brought a korn cd back from london. WHY??? a gift for bambi? she already annoys me with them! i shame myself.
- insomnia and it attacking back 2 days later.
- when people dont get untitled#11!! thank fuck for A.
- electricity in the head and people humoring me.
- kranken klaus not being real.
- where are josephine wiggs and jacqui ham and britnee bodinskii!?!
- when people are coming over but i fall asleep and miss their calls/msgs/knocks/etcs/. sorry.
- the kvlt does FUCKALL! need kicking some outs?
- shops that close. tesco sucks on sunday.
- realising i trod in shit last week. mustve been last week, not worn those shoes since.
- needing bedsheets. ikeasizebeds are fuckery.

things that joy the mardtyrsaur so far:
- company visitation todaynigh?
bored. unsure of myself. entries in the real journal are freakin me out so i FIGURED (cos im smart) i mayswell try restartin this all over again. lost contact with people from farways cos yr all on friendsonlies and i forgotten password long ago for the olden one. i dont get this stuff anymore. how its changed.

i dont like people worrying about me. feel very untrusted but i probly deserve that. i used to think love was built on trust. i hold no conditions.

back in london but i dont want to be here. i want to go back home to bristol and be with people who are good for me, but i want to hide from everyone. i let people down too much. i need to stay away from junky friends. YIKES! i made my sister cry :( she thinks i'm gonna kill someone/myself.

things i did in 2008:
* had a job - gave it up
* became a junky - gave it up cold (sorta)
* sold a lot of stuff but didnt need it anyway
* moved away to bristol - could barely afford rent
* finally played in bands - gave one up
* made friends i actually REALLY like & recontacted old ones
* started smoking - ugh
* almost died twice - yay
* fuckedup ALOT
* survived the 27 club

being realistic, i honestly believe next year is gonna be a whole lot harder.

hi! how ar eyou?